1 (edited by Bettie_Rage 2016-06-30 21:23:29)

Topic: Anyone ever dealt with this or can help?

I JUST found out my absolute best friend of 10 years passed away in his sleep May 24th, a few days after his birthday. We normally talk every once in a while but we ALWAYS would text each other back almost immediately. He was the only person I fully trusted, felt loved and was loved, and could turn to. So I texted him last night and he never got back so today I googled his facebook, since I haven't been on mine in over 3 years, and found his obituary. I had absolutely NO idea he had passed as I don't even talk to former mutual friends, if you're not on facebook you apparently don't exist anymore, and his mom's number is in my OLD old phone that I can't even find and I think his parents took down his facebook. All I see is his twitter and that's no help.  Honestly, as soon as I read his obituary I broke down and now I'm googling and scouring white pages to find his parents number. Random numbers call all the time, usually trying to sell cheap electricity or other telemarketers, so if I don't know the number I don't answer it. I'm not sure if they even called since we had code names for each other and I'm not sure if he put my real name in his phone or if they even had my number. I was close with his parents but I still don't think they ever had my number The funeral was June 1st, that I obviously missed because I didn't know. Couldn't they have left a voicemail with a call-back number at least? I mean would any of you guys?

Moral of the story: I'm pretty broken up and in bad shape, because he's the only real friend I had and now I have no one. He was the only person I actually talk to and I feel so alone now.  Has anyone dealt with something like this: a real loved one passing and you were completely ignorant of it until well after the fact. A friend or whatever else? I don't know how to deal with this. I know his parents names and most of these sites want you to sign up just to get a goddamn number so is there any way to get someones number without all the bullshit?

Sorry about the lame semi-rant but any help would be appreciated.

"Hey evil, why don't you eat my butt?"

Re: Anyone ever dealt with this or can help?

Its not a lame semirant. I'm sorry to hear about this. Sadly i dont have much experience in this regard. As far as phone numbers, if they have a traditional home phone, you can get it in like 5 seconds. If they only have cell phones its much more complicated

I assume you tried this site, but I will link it if you haven't. If you know his parents names, and even better their zipcode, you can find a home phone number. I did it on myself and it pulled my name, address, and what would be my home phone number, when it was still activated several years ago.
http://www.anywho.com/whitepages

You could try finding if his/her parents have a facebook page themselves, and get ahold of them that way. I have a feeling you have tried all this stuff, its just what I come up with now

I haven't seen a way to get a cell phone number without paying something, even just a couple dollars. Problem is, since you can't see the number in any way before paying, for all I know they are just going to show me the old home phone number I had years ago that no longer works and hasnt for years. And I could find that for free myself.

"We've been divided, we've been bled,
Like a chicken without a head.
Running frantically amuck
Taking but not giving a fuck."

http://i188.photobucket.com/albums/z18/ickmcwang/ickmcwang.gif

Re: Anyone ever dealt with this or can help?

Yeah, unfortunately I think they mainly used their cell phones opposed to land lines. I don't even remember ever seeing a landline in their current house. His phone has been disconnected apparently since I was hoping that maybe one of his parents would answer if it was still on, but he's been gone a month so I'm assuming they shut it off.

Thanks for the link, Icky. That's one site I didn't try but it still gave me numbers that I had already found and when I called, those all were disconnected but, like I said, they were big cell phone people. I did log back into my facebook, after changing my password since I didn't remember it, and found this kind girl that didn't have their info but did give me some information about his funeral and sending me his memorial face card in the mail.

"Hey evil, why don't you eat my butt?"

Re: Anyone ever dealt with this or can help?

Can you get enough info from the obit - funeral home/services. They should have records of who paid them, maybe you can get a # through them?

From the wreckage of humiliation
I got my self respect
I pulled myself together
What the hell did you expect

5 (edited by ℊnat 2016-07-01 11:21:25)

Re: Anyone ever dealt with this or can help?

I was a pretty social person up unto sometime in 2012. Had a pretty decent number of friends. Went out probably 6 out of 7 nights every week doing something or other. Had kept up with a lot of friends I had since elementary school and had new ones I had met through work and college. Some faded to the background, some I lost touch with completely. But I had 3 friends I had known forever that ended up going to the same community college as me. We got really close because we saw each other every day. Had classes together. Plus there had never really been a period of our lives when we weren't friends. We were kind of like a splinter group off our main group of friends from high school. Most of them had went off to a bigger university somewhere else in the state, but we had gotten jobs right out of high school then went back to school later on.  We picked each other up in the mornings, ate lunch together, did shit after we got out of class, etc. We were way closer to each other than any of us were to any of our older set of friends. But eventually our paths began to diverge.

It was around this time I began to lose my shit. Started moving back and forth between states, going from place to place staying wherever someone would take me. Family members dying. Almost dying myself from alcohol and other drugs, etc. Anyway that is neither here nor there, point is, it had been a couple years since I had any real contact with any of the old gang. I had kept up with them loosely on facebook, and they definitely knew how to contact me. No I didn't have a phone. No, I didn't live with my parents. But it was the year 2014 and technology was such that there would have been at least 4 or 5 different ways to contact me.

But it was sometime in October 2014 that I found out one of the guys I was talking about earlier from college had died in a fire at his work. He died in the back room of a fucking pawn shop. It was on the news and everything. The first fucking thing I knew about it was seeing the pictures from his memorial service. There they were, the whole god damn group together again dressed in white. Richard was Cambodian and Buddhist so they had this big ceremony. Come to find out it happened in April, six months prior to when I randomly found out about it. There were people there that I know for a fucking fact he didn't even LIKE. Who he hadn't even seen or heard from for years.

And not one of these people, and there were about twenty of them (all of whom I knew well), managed to let me know. I knew him better than pretty much any one of them, but because I was having a lot of problems of my own at that particular time and because people are assholes, one of my best friends had been dead for six months without me knowing about it. Then I had to look at all the pictures, and read comments from people who barely knew him saying oh I can't believe its already been six months!

As you can tell it still pisses me off. That's probably an understatement though. Up until when all this went down, I had big plans of reuniting with some of these people after I had gotten through my personal shit. But it was one of those things you just don't get over.  As for reasons why it happened they way it did, its complicated, but at the end of the day There's no excuse for something like that. I haven't seen or talked to any of them since.

So I know exactly how you feel. Sorry for the long post and for not having any constructive advice for you.

"Flowers are cunts basically." - Guana

Re: Anyone ever dealt with this or can help?

gnat wrote:

I was a pretty social person up unto sometime in 2012. Had a pretty decent number of friends. Went out probably 6 out of 7 nights every week doing something or other. Had kept up with a lot of friends I had since elementary school and had new ones I had met through work and college. Some faded to the background, some I lost touch with completely. But I had 3 friends I had known forever that ended up going to the same community college as me. We got really close because we saw each other every day. Had classes together. Plus there had never really been a period of our lives when we weren't friends. We were kind of like a splinter group off our main group of friends from high school. Most of them had went off to a bigger university somewhere else in the state, but we had gotten jobs right out of high school then went back to school later on.  We picked each other up in the mornings, ate lunch together, did shit after we got out of class, etc. We were way closer to each other than any of us were to any of our older set of friends. But eventually our paths began to diverge.

It was around this time I began to lose my shit. Started moving back and forth between states, going from place to place staying wherever someone would take me. Family members dying. Almost dying myself from alcohol and other drugs, etc. Anyway that is neither here nor there, point is, it had been a couple years since I had any real contact with any of the old gang. I had kept up with them loosely on facebook, and they definitely knew how to contact me. No I didn't have a phone. No, I didn't live with my parents. But it was the year 2014 and technology was such that there would have been at least 4 or 5 different ways to contact me.

But it was sometime in October 2014 that I found out one of the guys I was talking about earlier from college had died in a fire at his work. He died in the back room of a fucking pawn shop. It was on the news and everything. The first fucking thing I knew about it was seeing the pictures from his memorial service. There they were, the whole god damn group together again dressed in white. Richard was Cambodian and Buddhist so they had this big ceremony. Come to find out it happened in April, six months prior to when I randomly found out about it. There were people there that I know for a fucking fact he didn't even LIKE. Who he hadn't even seen or heard from for years.

And not one of these people, and there were about twenty of them (all of whom I knew well), managed to let me know. I knew him better than pretty much any one of them, but because I was having a lot of problems of my own at that particular time and because people are assholes, one of my best friends had been dead for six months without me knowing about it. Then I had to look at all the pictures, and read comments from people who barely knew him saying oh I can't believe its already been six months!

As you can tell it still pisses me off. That's probably an understatement though. Up until when all this went down, I had big plans of reuniting with some of these people after I had gotten through my personal shit. But it was one of those things you just don't get over.  As for reasons why it happened they way it did, its complicated, but at the end of the day There's no excuse for something like that. I haven't seen or talked to any of them since.

So I know exactly how you feel. Sorry for the long post and for not having any constructive advice for you.

I'm so sorry Gnat and sharing that was constructive enough smile. Most of what I feel is guilt because I was caught up in my own depression, he was also suffering his, and he kept telling me that we need to go have sushi and I kept putting it off. I thought he'd be around "forever" and we talked about us being old cranky bitches living across the street from one another with our house full of animals yelling at each other and always ending with a "loooove yewwww". He passed in his sleep naturally so it brings some comfort that it wasn't suicide which both of us was struggling with. It's difficult for me to make friends and we were the oddest couple of nutcases to be friends, let alone best friends. Now he's not here and I don't know what to do with myself. I'm not depressed or suicidal right now, just lost I guess? If that makes sense.

Can you get enough info from the obit - funeral home/services. They should have records of who paid them, maybe you can get a # through them?

Yeah they had all that info but, you know what, I decided that it's time to give up and try healing as best I can. I didn't want to remind his parents, especially his mom who I loved and they were extremely close. It's been a month and a half so I'm just going to let them be and focus on myself and getting right with everything. He wouldn't want me to sit around crying and he'd probably slap the shit out of me for it.

"Hey evil, why don't you eat my butt?"

7

Re: Anyone ever dealt with this or can help?

If you know parents name look up judiciary case search for your state. Chances are they have gotten a speeding ticket or some sort of legal matter. Address should be there. Go to house and meet them.

My good friend died last year around this time. I still and always will blame myself for her death.  I wasn't in the country when she died but I introduced her to the drug she died from years ago. I hadn't seen her in over six months but I had spoke with her a few days before it happened.
I cope by just living my life. Although she's constantly on my mind still.

Another good friend of mine died the year before. But I saw his death coming. I wasn't nearly as shaken up.

Re: Anyone ever dealt with this or can help?

I had an uncle who i wasn't really close with. Saw him every year at Christmas and Easter but that was about it. I knew he was suffering from rather bad dementia but since he lived in Florida I wasnt really following the situation closely. While I was off at college he passed away and everyone in my family forgot to tell me. I found out like 6 months later when someone mentioned his funeral in passing.

Last November my cousin's grandfather got really sick and my aunt and uncle flew into Chicago from Philadelphia to see him. He passed away shortly after they flew in. During the chaos of preparing the funeral and such they completely forgot to inform their son back in Philadelphia that his grandpa passed away. They realized this when they called him a few hours before the wake asking when he was going to be flying into Chicago and it was the first he had heard of the death.

These kinds of things unfortunately happen since death causes us such hardship emotionally, socially and legally.

"I pop punk, not pills"

Re: Anyone ever dealt with this or can help?

I said a similar thing to norwood a while back and it seems like you got there yourself already betty.
Live for there memory and all those others who don't get to see the battle to the end, we that do have a responsibility(to my mind)to carry on as best we can and when, not if but when you slip use them to help you keep going, funerals, wakes and everything else that goes with them are just functions, things we do out tradition.
What matters is what you two had together in the time you did share and what you choose to take from that time..that's what matters, that's what lives on.

Re: Anyone ever dealt with this or can help?

Bettie...just found out another one of my good friends died a couple of days ago. Went out and bought a case of his favorite beer. Sittin outside drinking, smoking, thinking about the good times we had and how short our times on Earth really are.

Stay strong. This shit is hard

"Flowers are cunts basically." - Guana

Re: Anyone ever dealt with this or can help?

Thanks, guys for all the encouragement and such. I've been doing better and trying to live for the both of us. I just deleted his number and I felt okay, no breaking-down or tears. I didn't peg you for such a philosopher, Howling but it did help a lot, so thank you...seriously. Gnat, I'm so sorry about your friend but that seemed an appropriate send off. I'm trying but I'm going to be okay and so the hell are you, obviously because you're fucking Gnat.

In all seriousness: even though this is an online little family we got going on here, I love you guys.

"Hey evil, why don't you eat my butt?"
Thanks: gnat, Bacon, chisox1003

Re: Anyone ever dealt with this or can help?

sorry to hear that Bettie, Gnat

catch my punk radio show on sundays at 2pm GMT on www.rockindevilradio.com

Re: Anyone ever dealt with this or can help?

Thank you kindly, glad i could help in even the smallest way.
We may just be text on a screen but we all have our struggles and we all share the pain.
This place and a few in paticular have stopped me falling more than once.

Re: Anyone ever dealt with this or can help?

Really sorry to read about that Bettie (you too Gnat) I can see why you would feel inclined to take it personally but you really shouldn’t. When you lose an immediate family member you spend days going through their things and trying to contact all their old friends, there are always people that get missed, more often than not they are the obvious close friends that get overlooked while you’re digging through a list of obscure ex-workmates trying to make sure you don’t miss anybody, it’s impossible to remember everyone when your head is messed up and you have to rely on the grapevine to get word around.

You mentioned just leaving his parents alone to deal with it and I think that that’s probably for the best, they’ll have done their best to let as many people as possible know and that is a seriously hard thing to do in itself, but after the funeral you enter that grey area where you try to adapt and move on, over the next few weeks you start to get the belated messages and every one of them hurts, worse is when you bump into people who haven’t heard what happened and ask about the deceased, it takes everybody different lengths of time before they are comfortable dealing with the situation, some get there in a few weeks, for others it can take years, I’m not saying don’t contact them, if you do manage to get an address then send them a card with your contact details and leave it up to them to decide when they can talk.

Being a bit of an old bastard this has happened to me quite a few times, I’ve lost touch with so many people over the years and some of my mates are of an age where you can’t take anything for granted, but it’s happened with family too, quite recently with my Granddad, I hadn’t even met the bloke, he split with my Gran before I was born but I’d tracked him down to an area and was deliberating whether or not to contact him, chatting to my Daughter one afternoon she told me he’d died about 5 months earlier, totally sideswiped me, for a long time I was quite pissed off that no-one had thought to tell me but like I said, people have their reasons, you just need to move on yourself and grieve, unfortunately we end up doing it on our own in these cases, it isn’t ideal.
You’ll bounce back though, you have to so you can be ready for the next time shit happens, because it always keeps coming, life is about enjoying all the little bits between the shitstorms, when life gives you lemons, demand Tequila!

jello biafra ..... jello biafra ......... JELLO BIAFRA !!!!
Fuckin sex pistols mad

Re: Anyone ever dealt with this or can help?

I didnt think about it at first, but a sort of similar situation happened with my grandmother. She died 2-3 years ago, and was very old, like 95 or some shit. She outlived 3 husbands for christ's sake. Anywho, she was my dad's mom, and he didnt tell me anything when she actually passed, but like a month later he calls to ask me if I wanted to go with him to the Florida National Cemetary, where who I knew as Grandfather (husband number 3) has his ashes and marker. My family on my fathers side is very non religious, and they dont visit graves and such after the day of the funeral. So he asks if I want to go with him to FNC, and I am like what the fuck for, you have never visited Grandpa before, he wasnt even your dad. So he says, oh, well your grandmother died a few weeks ago and my sisters are sending her ashes down here for us to put with Walt (his second step dad, but the only person I knew as grandpa). I was like.... you never told me grandma died....

My grandma refused to have a service of any kind. My dad's sisters, who both lived by her in Maine, had her cremated as per her wishes and sent the ashes down here to my dad to take care of.

"We've been divided, we've been bled,
Like a chicken without a head.
Running frantically amuck
Taking but not giving a fuck."

http://i188.photobucket.com/albums/z18/ickmcwang/ickmcwang.gif